To The One

Hi there.

We probably haven’t met (or I did but didn’t know it, it’s confusing that way) but wherever you are, I hope you’re happy. Honestly.

I would like to say that I’ve been looking for you all my life, and I was, but I kind of stopped.

Not that I stopped believing or stopped having faith that you were out there, it’s just that… I seem to have empty pockets. By that I mean I have nothing left to give.

Nothing left to share.

Even as a young child not only did I dwell on crushes but I fancied them as spouses, poor foolish thing that I was. When I grew up and had all these sorts of notions I dreamt of sharing my experiences and my life with you. As a companion. As a partner.

So I held back on having wild fun experiences because I wanted to save them for when you came. I wanted to have pictures with you while.. I don’t know, rode a hot air balloon, or saw a fire show somewhere in Hawaii.

Or sky dived.

I pictured introducing you to the colorful characters in my life, including my family and my then wacky group of friends. And I wanted you to be my partner in crime when we took on the world. A TV show, maybe.

So I held back. And the months passed. Then years. Then a decade. Or two.

Mind you, I never stopped looking for you. I thought I met you in High School, in College, or everywhere I went. I was so excited about spending so many great years together that I shared with you everything about my life. At least someone I thought was you.

And with every new damsel, every new windmill, every new dragon to slay (and they were one and the same thing), I gave up a little bit of myself. I thought it was you. So why not, right?

And I really thought it was you I met a few years ago. Or many years ago. Or somewhere in that place.

And here, have a piece of myself. Or two. In fact, have everything.

But I never knew if it was you. All I knew is that everyone left. Everyone. And the life I thought I would live with you, I spent it alone (well, with people, just not with you). And time passed, and more of me was lost.

And suddenly I had nothing left to give. I gave everything to everyone else. My memories. My moments. My life.

Sometimes I wonder if you’re there. But of course you are. I just can’t find you. And I’m so sorry if it came so close, or if I’m still so very far, but I have to stop.

I mean my life was on pause, except when they were on fast forward. Or rewinds. Lots of rewinds.

I hope we would meet someday. I hope you had a well lived life. But I don’t know. That’s a lot of I hopes.

Oh well. Life passes. Day by day. Moment by moment. God, how I wish you had been there.

Maybe I’ll write about it somewhere.

Bye.