Veronica (updated 08-11-2017)

This has nothing to do with that Riverdale character, this is a personal journal entry about a Veronica that entered this author’s life. So those hoping for TV insight, move along.

Editor’s Note, 07242017:

Added a song to the beginning,”Huling Awit ng Pagibig”, and removed the Love Won’t Wait song to more appropriately fit to the overall post

Editor’s Note, original:

This post has gone through rewrites, password protection, take-downs. I wasn’t sure about the content, if it would have the kind of effect I was hoping to produce.

First off, there was the invocation at the end. You’d think that it is of no consequence, but to me it no less involves invoking a past Ive hopefully long left behind. It has been ten years since that year… I have not celebrated this time… should I bring these phantoms back if only to help? I have been at peace all these years.

Second, there is the case of the song at the end… Love wont wait is not particularly directed at Veronica, or anyone for that matter. To me the song speaks to the lifetime’s quest I have had to find The One… all the major decisions in my life were influenced by this.

Third, I realize now that my story with Veronica will never be perfect… she was there at the particularly low part of my life but Ive only ever had “glances” of her. Like that apparition you somehow see throughout your life.

Lastly, nomenclature. Ive steeped my post with so much code that it might get confusing who is who. So Ive provided tge initials below the post; I will at least withold their full names here.

So now I will publish this without password as a public post; with song and invocation intact, for all the consequences it may cause; this is a story of my life, so those who deem this too personal may look for my other articles about Politics and Society. This is meant for a particular audience; this is meant for those involved, and maybe, Veronica.

Original post:

My hands were at my phone. It was a July morning, a regular day like all the days. I had come in early to report to work, but excused myself for a brief moment. I found myself at a corner, staring at my phone.

It felt like other hands were pushing me to act, but I had the final choice. And although I had been paralyzed by doubt and driven for a long time to inaction, my heart screamed to do something, to make the final plunge.

Everything that had happened had led to this point. I stared with clammy, sweaty hands, with certainty in my heart, but still unsure what to do…

In recent times, I’ve talked about my search for the girl next door; also the dichotomous struggle I’ve had between the Betty Coopers and the Veronica Lodges of my life. Having been exposed to endless line of rom-coms and love stories, I’ve always searched for that elusive Betty Cooper, one who represented the “girl next door” who was “one of the boys”, was a close companion and confidant, and one you could rely on. She was also overlooked. Then I talked about how, in the long run, despite this apparent search for the “girl who was always there”, I always ended up with the Veronicas: beautiful and unattainable.

This is the story of my Veronica.

Alternately called Red Horse, Smart, Tukayo, JPV and Nars, she seemed like another casualty in my endless Quixotic search for “damsels in windmills”. She fit nicely in that period from 2014-2015 in the post-Goddess era, but despite the circumstances and figures that came and went from that time to the recent, she had always, at some point, maintained an impact and, more importantly, a presence, in one form or another. She was, in a sense, a Common Denominator.

I started writing about her in this blog circa 2015, but her “footprint” could be seen in subsequent posts, dating from 2014-2016. This post, like my previous Goddess post, is a “milestone” article and would, in effect, extend the chronology of the story to the present year.

What is her story? I’ve written much about her in previous posts that any effort to rewrite it would be redundancy. But in the years that I’ve written “glances” of her, there were some details that were left out, or a space in the story that was left untold. Here, then, is the story of the girl that stole the narrative from the Goddesses and the Dulcineas.

I am violating my personal directive of writing narratives from a “place of distance”. I’d have learned that from my “halting narratives” with the proto-Betty. But this chapter could be written both as a biopic of sorts, as well as a “fluff piece” or a thinly-veiled propaganda, for whatever purpose. I’ve written stuff like this before, so for the most part I will write up to the most recent time.

2014: “Red Horse” and “Smart”

I’ve already mentioned the circumstances of our meeting in After Goddess, but let me flesh out the circumstances:

In 2013, though I’ve had a long-standing attraction for this girl I called Goddess, it was only in this year that I’ve had a “whirlwind thing” with her. And as soon as it happened was as soon as it ended. I had no emotional anchor with her; admittedly I had done nothing to convince her otherwise and I thought there had just been no possible way to succeed in that endeavor.

It ended on November 2013, though I struggled to maintain contact until December of that year, then struggled to cope with her loss until early 2014.

We first meet “Veronica” in that heady time of December 2013. While everyone had moved on from the Goddess’ departure, I was still sending furtive messages over social media. It was in one such a day that she (I think) arrived to have a document received by my office. Partly because I normally avoid eye contact, and partly because I was maintaining my loyalty with the Goddess, I avoided eye contact. My peers teased that “just because I saw someone pretty I was already flustered” (di makatingin). That was my first memory of our encounter.

As we pass to the early part of 2014, I was grieving at the loss of the Goddess, to the point that I wanted to cut everything remotely tied to her, professionally, electronically and socially. This was why for the most part I avoided the former office peers and largely people. I avoided all possible circumstances where I would be forced to “socialize”. I couldn’t stand their happiness, when my Goddess had left. I somehow connected the two (I would continue avoiding people until the early 2017).

I do not remember the circumstances of seeing her for the first time, but I remember the feeling. It felt like being hit with some powerful force. Whenever I saw her I lose air. I did keep a straight face (as I have learned to do since early College) whenever I passed her. But the feeling was always the same: the air being sucked out of me, the sheer sight of her beauty then was unexplainable. The circumstances were always the same: a chance encounter while walking in the hallway (incidentally, the same circumstances that drew me to Goddess in the first place).

From this first set of circumstances began my moniker for her: Red Horse. For those not living in the Philippines, Red Horse is a brand of beer best remembered for its catchphrase Ito ang Tama (Now that’s a strong effect). My name for her stuck because to me, “Ang lakas ng tama ko sa kanya” (She has a strong effect with me)

I did not articulate this desire until during a software demonstration. We had invited representatives from the different offices to “revive” a software system that had been abandoned due to technicalities. While the meeting was a dud (suffice it to say), I was affected by two people: the girl who was in front of me, discussing technicalities, and the girl who I could glance from the line of those seated. I was so happy that I rushed to my confidant (who here we call Bessie), and told her I was happy and loved the two offices where they came from.

Admittedly, she wasn’t alone in impacting me; there was another, and my Bessie advised me that I should choose which one (that was after she guessed who the two were). Again, I do admit that I was conflicted in my choice, hence her second moniker, Smart (because the other one was Globe, and I wanted to do a “Dual Sim mode”). To my Bessie, I called her Red Horse, to my sister who I confessed to, she was Smart. (In family gatherings, I used “code” to sneak in information to her, who would answer with a knowing smile)

Yes—the two people who knew about her was my best friend and my sister.

Now, in my years of experience chasing after “damsels in windmills”, I’ve always assumed the worst possible situation: that they had long, enduring relationships. So while implicitly making a choice, I asked Bessie if “kaya mo ba magtanong nang hindi nagtatanong?” (ask furtively without it appearing to be a question). Understanding, she asked who I was to inquire on, and I furtively (as I would regularly do) mentioned Veronica.

I remembered that in a few months, the management was shaken and Veronica was now in the office that effectively managed the organization. That meant my second significant encounter with her. It was significant, because in the seating arrangement, I suddenly found myself sitting beside her. No one, except one who found out later, knew the significance of that such meeting. When I left the meeting, the knowing person asked “Happy ka naman” (Do you feel happy now?) Naturally I would mention that to my Bessie.

There were more encounters at the hall. At one point Bessie was with me, and she was talking to her relative. Bessie looked at me knowingly, said, “This is your chance” (loudly enough that it could be heard), and approached the two and had a conversation. Meanwhile, I pretended to talk to my brother on the phone. Later, I heard Veronica laugh and her relative asked “Ano?” (What)

Much needed information eventually arrived, and it was disheartening. Bessie found an opportunity to talk to her (I don’t remember the circumstances), in a casual way. By way of conversation, she had learned that Veronica had been a nurse, and that she had a partner who was a merchant marine/sailor. It was heartbreaking, but given my experience with women, I had prepared for the worst. In fact, when Bessie told me that she had news, my first question was, “meron na, ano?” (she had someone, didn’t she)

Despite this news, I would be in a state of denial over the status of her relationship, even as late as 2015. But in the meantime, while I had a “web love letter” to the Globe girl, Veronica had Chinito Problems.

December 2014: Chinito Problems

It was December of 2014. An annual Christmas party tradition was the presentation of each office, whether through dancing, singing, or others. I only remember the vaguest circumstance of my coming up with Chinito Problems. I first encountered the song during my browsing for the latest hits on OPM, and I saw the Lyric Video on Youtube. I was looking at other lyric videos, but a few weeks later I saw the music video they posted on the Youtube channel of one of the recording studios.

I might have thought of another presentation, or it might have just been that idea. What I remember was wanting to present it, as a grand gesture (the way I make grand gestures when I’m smitten) of what I felt. There were encounters in the hallways, but she also visited our office, and I could listen to her soft voice from just the adjacent table (since she always talked to my colleague to my utter frustration), though the positions of the table was convenient enough that I didn’t see her.

Both denying her relationship and feeling desperate, I was hoping of making it a grand gesture. The lyrics fit what I felt: “Kapag ika’y kasama, di ko mapigilan tumawa” (When you are there, I can’t help but smile). It was hard not to break into a grin when she was there.

All I needed to study was the dance moves. I had some experience dancing there (as I had been part of a dance presentation with a former colleague who was a dancer), and I was always curious about dancing (particularly breakdancing; don’t judge me). So, throughout December and Christmas Eve, I practiced the dance. I kept it a secret; I simply told my colleague that “I got this” and that there would be a program.

Didn’t matter if it was God-awful dancing. What mattered was the gesture. I had the dance steps sort-of memorized (based on the music video), and I was planning to do that type of dance presentation where the dancer sang from an earpiece. That didn’t work out as planned, as I found no Bluetooth earpiece that served as a microphone, so I made do with the standing microphone. I had the music stored on my phone (it didn’t play immediately, or clearly), and I was nervous, but committed.

Now, I remembered that I planned to look for Veronica, pull her to the front, and sing to her while the following lyrics were playing: …At kung ikaw ay nakatawa, ako pa ba ang nakikita… (And when you laugh, is it me you still see). That didn’t pan out for several reasons: one, because the microphone setup didn’t make it possible; two, because I couldn’t find her at the front (besides, I was terrified of how her relative would react), and three, because deep inside I knew that she really had someone with her.

In either case, the audience was at first dumbfounded, laughed, then joined in applause. At the end of the presentation the hosts asked me what song it was, and who I dedicated it to. I could see people pointing, and one of them pointed to a former crush. I could have decided to man up and just tell who it was, but I just sheepishly sneaked out of the interview.

Later, I was teased about the dance performance, and I just vaguely said it was a dedication.

2015: After Goddess, Betty Cooper, Throwback 2014 and Birthdays

The next year was the year of Proto-Betty (the one I referred to in Betty Cooper). In the early part of the year, however, I was still in the midst of denial that Veronica was still with her beau. Maybe she was single again, as I heard someone suggesting a person for her (I don’t remember the circumstances). Eventually however, I heard it from a colleague (who also happened to be an occasional “wingman” for my other crushes) that her beau was handsome. I surmised then that I had no hope.

With panghihinayang (regret?) for Veronica, I turned my attention to the other person that suddenly piqued my interest: I wrote her story in a series of posts (Love was just two doors away, Betty Cooper), but I also wrote about my experience in 2014, with the After Goddess and Throwback 2014 posts. Of particular note here is my post Throwback 2014: Chinito Problems, with the phrase, “Paano ka titingin sa kanya na di napapangiti?” (How can you look at her and not smile).

Now at this point, I was pursuing another dichotomy. As I wrote in Betty Cooper, while I was looking for “girls next door”, there was the constant pull of a Veronica. That was this Veronica. I couldn’t stop feeling the anguish and the panghihinayang, as I frequently told both Bessie and my sister.

In any case, the proto-Betty episode ended with her dumping me on Easter Sunday (I actually prayed in church for a resolution to the whole problem). It came at an inopportune time, as I had just bought an “Easter bunny” that I planned to “sneak” in to her office along with a Starbucks coffee (I had crossed a milestone in this period—this was the first time I courted someone… in a long time… the last I think was in 2007). Well, it ended on Easter, but I kept the bunny, thinking that I somehow “promised” that gift already (I would attempt to give it away a few times, before the symbolic gesture of 2017; more on that later).

Despite promises to myself and to my Bessie and others that I would not take it strongly, I felt bad enough that I thought of—once again—cutting ties professionally and personally (almost did, actually). Meanwhile I was still telling Bessie that it really was such a shame that Veronica was not possible.

June 2015. The birthday celebrants in our office, as was tradition, celebrated with the rest of our colleagues. I was one of the celebrants, and apart from the chicken meal they served, the others also asked to order halo-halo (this is a delicacy consisting of crushed ice, some corn, some sago, leche flan, condensada, and ice cream—I’m actually not an expert on what it looks like). The day was significant because when there was an extra halo-halo, my Bessie suggested I should give it to Veronica—loud enough that people asked about it. I feigned ignorance, but did give it to her colleague (remember that dancer-colleague I had before?) to give to her later.

Later Veronica would arrive in the office, remarking that the food that was there (I don’t remember the circumstances; this was in addition to the celebration outside) which was offered there had gayuma (aphrodisiac). I think it was from that time (when she attributed the food to my supervisor—again, this is only suspicion) that she called one of my supervisors “Mi Amor” (Spanish for “my love”, but come on—I think it’s a local language for my US readers so you’d understand what the words mean).

There has not been a day that when I hear her say those words, I don’t think to myself, “Ako na lang sana ang mi amor mo”. (If only I was your mi amor instead). I nearly blurted the words out when I heard her on the phone asking for “Mi Amor”.

There were more encounters, and it became routine that she would visit the office for one or another colleague. This was the time when I would frequently ask my Bessie and sister for advice if maybe I could reach out to her, both of whom would advise me to “find someone single”.

One incident I recalled when she called to ask for one of my supervisors, and when asked who called, I couldn’t speak her name. I really couldn’t speak her name, preferring to use monikers as I somehow felt “not strong enough” or “worthy enough” to somehow mention her name, that it was somehow a “sacrosanct” word.

Related to one of those calls, a colleague who was oblivious to what I actually felt suggested that maybe I could “try” Veronica. My colleague (remember the one who occasionally served as my wingman?) interjected “Wag naman” (Please no). I remembered that others were joining in the chorus, and the ex-wingman was voicing strong objections (probably because of the knowledge of Veronica’s relationship). I did mention that the comments were hurtful (“Ang sakit mo naman magsalita”), and people laughed. I actually felt bad and hurt for a while after that, and acted aloof.

There were other incidents, other events and other circumstances. These were “glances” that amounted nowhere, since there was really no way anything could have been done. (I’m taking the Biblical route—where you explain a king’s reign by “there were other events that are chronicled elsewhere…”) What I did get used to was her visits to our office, and furtively listening to her soft voice and curly, auburn(? I remember reddish?) hair (yes, I do remember the detail that she was at some point called Merrida, after the heroine in the Disney movie Brave).

(See, this is the problem with maintaining the policy of writing from vantage point. Memory is a problematic foundation to depend on, and there weren’t enough “landmark moments” to serve as bookmarks. I’ve always had a sort-of “spot on” visual recollection of decades past, but in recent times that is no longer the case—or at least that capability is fast fading).

Early 2016: JPV, Sunset Wishes, FB

The proto-Betty period definitively ended the next year, 2016, when she finally settled with someone else. But like an escalating series of events, the post-Goddess era continued to up the ante and raise the stakes as the next year unfolded.

Events first unfolded to seal Veronica’s fate where I worked. A few months into a national election which would have shuffled and terminated the current management’s period, the current management decided to “solidify the base” and replaced his existing second with a close comrade. This came as a shock to many, as the second had been present in the organization for many years. But this merely eventually led to a larger consequence on my part.

I began to notice that Veronica ceased visiting the office, I could not see her in the attendance roll (yes, I check the log-ins for her signature, I should have mentioned that in passing), and I no longer saw her in the hallways as I walked. Having had experience with the departure of my Goddess, I asked the same person that I asked back in 2013: Bessie. I (*probably) remember asking if Veronica was co-terminus (if that status somehow existed in her position), and I got the gist of the circumstances of her departure (unlike the still-mystery of that of Goddess): Veronica took a break at the worst possible moment, and management took it as an affront (kind of like the circumstances behind the firing of Andrew Garfield and the end of the Amazing Spider-man franchise) and engineered her termination (the whole thing is still mired in bureaucratic red tape).

This was a time when Bessie almost left as well, and I began to think that “people I care about” or “people I love” leave on a regular basis. Like this felt routine for me: that I was constantly being abandoned. I remembered that was a time when I felt stuck in a rut.

A significant landmark—remember I mentioned that each new year ups the stakes?—happened later in that period. While an off-tangent case, this would contribute to a later milestone that would actually prove critical in the recent times. In 2016, while walking the hallways, a peer (but not an office colleague, though she had been a “neighbor” in my office back in 2014), encountered me and introduced me to two people. I did not take note of it back then, but that was always where it always starts with me (I have not thanked her yet for affording me the “grace” of that introduction—I think at some point I would have to). In any case, one of them—as all of them do in that blasted hallway—piqued my interest: I gave her the phonetic moniker of “Internet Explorer”. Naturally, the first to know of this was my Bessie and my sister. And naturally, I found out that she had a relationship.

Now this is a significant event that would later play into my own interaction with Veronica (oh yes… she would come back): Bessie, hearing me moan and sigh (or sigh and moan? what’s the right sequence?) about a “possibility” with “Web Browser”, commissioned the help of office peers… by basically blurting out “trade secrets” I have been keeping since at least 2015 (though I wondered if Veronica was mentioned). But in a consequent turn of events, a “window of opportunity” that my peers envisioned and “saw”, I ended up inviting Explorer on a “date”.

This is the point of the story. I had not, for my entire lifetime, ever had the courage or the will to invite anyone on a date. Granted that it was on foredoomed circumstances (existing relationship), the fact that I had actually chosen to give the invitation, and it was accepted, was a monumental milestone. Okay, the date itself did not materialize, but had I not given that invitiation, had I not had the will to choose to commit, events in 2017 would not have happened. I owe much of my will now to that circumstance.

Now Veronica returned to “tie up loose professional ends”, and I was for the most part aloof in all the circumstances. Except for one act I remember: I do not remember the circumstance, whether she was there or not, but it was at some point that I wrote Sunset Wishes. Reflecting on her recent departure, I pictured myself with her on a red sunset, over fields of ever green grass, her watching the sunset and me watching her. I ended that post with a wish that it was “her and me, on that sunset”.

She had some occasional visits, and at one of them I was asked by my ex-(?) wingman colleague if I missed her, to which I replied a sheepish “Yes”. Eventually, consulting with Bessie I decided to look for her social media account (which of course was Facebook… other social media accounts rarely get exposure here in the Philippines except from celebrities and major companies).

At first I thought she had no account, or kept it private (like Goddess did when I first looked for her—she later blocked me), but a cursory search led me to a post mentioning her name, but pointing to a different account.

And so she maintained a form of presence in my life, through my own choice: following her on social media. I followed her “moments” in life, her expressions of affection for her beau, and found out about her engagement through a “wedding gown” she posted. It didn’t matter that she had a separate life now and I had absolutely no part of it, but I was somehow drawn to her.

Despite the “damsels in windmills” that came and went (more so when I enrolled in a postgraduate class), I always came back to her, playfully pronouncing her account name in a singsong voice in the privacy of my room. She loved, lost (more on that later), and found love again, and I saw it all on social media. My action eventually gained legitimacy when I requested and she accepted a “Friend” invite.

2017: Nars

We have reached the end of the comforts of vantage point (barring a few months), and can easily fall into the trap of the Love was just two doors series which happened in realtime and did not cover everything, though it was all summed up (sort of) with Betty Cooper. I will continue to narrate the story up to the point of the latest milestone event, but there I will leave because, like the film Casablanca (which was shown in 1942), progression of events is still ongoing, and vantage point or not, realtime narrative is not good, or practical.

However, as I have done in my other posts (including those of the EDSA series), I will update this post as the vantage point increases, or enough distance is covered, or if a milestone occurs (I pray it does). For now, this is how the narrative follows:

I remember in one of her visits, my peers had the idea of taking a picture of me with her. I think it was taken on a tablet, though I don’t know if it was ever uploaded. I did, however, ask if I could have a copy of the set of pictures. These I showed to my sister. There was an instance (whether in 2015 or 2016 I don’t remember), when I showed a picture of Veronica to my mother. That was soon forgotten, but I did remember that I kept both Bessie and my sister updated on everything.

That was (I think) back in late 2016. That was the time when, again consulting Bessie, who said there was nothing wrong with it, I sent a “Friend” request on Veronica’s Facebook account. I briefly mentioned it to my ex-(?) wingman colleague, who would later be instrumental in communicating to her and getting the request approved.

It was at this time that I mentioned the by-now legendary “Chinito performance”, that I had done it with the sole intention of dedicating it to her. I was chided for doing nothing, though I thought about pointing out that there is a large chance I would have been dissuaded of it anyway.

When 2017 occurred, it was a make-or-break moment. I was on the cusp of reaching 35, where all would-be professional and personal “windows of opportunity” would end or fade. I was still in my usual routine of checking Veronica’s social media, though I did also check social media accounts of other different (read: hot) celebrities. The year 2017 was my proverbial “last stand”.

On April I suffered an accident which incapacitated me for a month. During this time I had a lot of opportunity to browse through Youtube, Facebook (while regrettably missing the annual Visita Iglesia). I also had a lot of time to look at more of Veronica’s posts (I had her conveniently saved in my Search History). It was (I think) at this period, though not exactly of that month, that she finally approved my “Friend” request

Shortly after, I began wondering about where my life was leading. I was on my “last stand”, and I should be open to opportunities. That was why I was wondering about “The Real Betty Cooper” (my God she was an entirely different story), reaching out to her at least. At this time, I also reached out to another person who I called “X-ray” (since I first mentioned her in code to my sister, using my recent debilitation as an excuse), under the guise of an invite to our group.

It was then that time stopped. Or ended, whichever.

There was some foreshadowing. I was having dreams of being with someone, but not remembering the face when I wanted to recall it. July popped up on the calendar, and so did Veronica’s birthday, so I sent a belated message (after some chiding). There was some teasing on the response received, but at that time I had already seen the cascading sequence of posts she had made about ending a relationship and finding a new one (which my sister concluded was definitive statement), and despite urging that I do something, I merely referred to the fact that she had already committed.

There was much advantage with the guy. Proximity. From what I read, his presence was felt everyday. They had already been with each other’s company (I will correct the grammar when I can; I am unsettled by that sentence). And the foundation of months of work (maybe years? I don’t know). As it had been in all my experience, I just never get the perfect timing. I place the blame on Alphas, who always seem to get everything (evolutionary imperative, I guess; in an animal pack the alpha always has a harem behind him). There simply had never been a time when Veronica was ever free.

So when that fateful July day arrived, and she just… it felt like she just strode in triumphantly, as if claiming my heart again (and I knew it was futility to offer it), like that memorable scene in Herman Wouk’s The Hope, I… time and the world just stopped.

And my ex-(?) wingman, bless her heart, somehow knew what to say and do. She, once again, assumed the role of a true wingman and urged us to go on a date.

That day was serendipitous, everything fell into place: that Easter bunny, symbolic of a past I was still clinging to, suddenly felt that it belonged to her. It was no longer tied to a “promise”, as in that definitive and symbolic gesture I freed myself from the shackles of a past and just knew what I needed to do. It wasn’t so much that I was “recycling” something, as it was “here is my heart; take it and keep it”. And my sudden, everything-clicking-into-place invitation to Veronica for a date, would not have been possible had my experience with “Web Browser” not paved the way. Despite everything telling me that this might have been foredoomed, and despite my usual suspicion of chiding, it felt like I knew what to do. I knew, foredoomed as it may have been, that I had to do it.

The milestone occurred, four years after Goddess, and after a lifetime of misses and near-misses: I had a date. It was chaperoned, sure, and the conversation turned to her suitor/partner(?), but my wingman being my wingman (God bless her heart), she did not let things go down for me, and urged me to ask Veronica if I could court her. In so many words, I did. And in so many words I found myself personally inviting her to a second date, and to converse through text message. She did not hesitate (why did she not hesitate?) to say yes.

And a second date materialized. I do not know what happened, but I knew this was unprecedented. She went with her brother, I went with my wingman, and the conversation was mostly between the two women. But there I was, despite all the hiccups (calls from work and family), with her and talking to her. I had a few words, but that, that was everything.

The date (which Veronica would later refer as a group lunch date) ended, and she began to work on the problems that still glued (?) her to the organization. Before she left, I gave her chocolates to eat on the way back. Upon some urging (though it did not take that much), I messaged, thanking her for a wonderful time.

The day after, I looked at my phone in the morning, not knowing what to do. I had gotten this far… I had not reached this way before… this was uncharted territory. I took a breath, closed my eyes, and began to type:

“Good morning…”

And so we leave the narrative with just a little distance from current events. This is so that the narrative does not influence the progression of the recent times; but in a few months, maybe a year, I may come back to this and update the story on what had recently happened. I plan to start this again on a milestone, whether a negative or a positive one, though I do prefer it if I had some distance with the narrative.

Veronica had never ceased to be… well, amazing. In the post-Goddess era, she seemed destined to have a small role to play, but as time and life weaved itself, I realized she had a constant presence. She was the Common Denominator.

I remember telling my sister that it was because of her that I learned to… move past and live life after Goddess. I was right… if it hadn’t been for her, I would have not recovered from her, and I would not have chosen to move on.

Now this is not saying that there is a happy ending. Remember that she did mention that she has an avid suitor, and this man knows her, and based on her posts, has her heart. She mentioned so many of the qualities he has that, to my horror, I cannot possibly possess. In short, I may as well have foredoomed myself.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I made it here. That I am part of her life somehow. That I would be part of her life for some time, that I could express myself and be myself with her… if only from a distance. I hold no illusions of success; I hyperventilate everyday thinking about it. But I am here, and… please God… let this be it…

-written 2017

So I call on my former flames—
goddesses minor and major
Past Present and Future
(You know who you are)
I may have done ill with all of you
And for that I ask for forgiveness
But I have also loved you all in turn
I seek now your aid and assistance
Spiritual (prayers), moral (encouragement) and physical
For this tortured soul may finally find
His final solace and refuge…
Hear my clarion call, this I implore…

*Okay, that sounds a bit idolatrous, but I’m simply calling to all my past
to come aid me, if they somehow get to read this, since they know
me somehow and the quest I’ve so long journeyed for.

Nomenclature:

Goddess: RAF

Globe: MR

proto-Betty: AC

Internet Explorer: AD

The Real Betty Cooper: PMB

X-ray: TC

Bessie: GS

and, of course

Veronica: JPV

Particular Notes:

When I wrote Sunset Wishes, I placed hashtags on the end, so if she (somehow) read it, she might realize it was for her. In one of them, I wrote one of her new monikers, JPV.

Her moniker Tukayo comes from the fact that she bore the same first name as the yaya (caretaker) of my youngest niece.

Her moniker Nars comes from the late 2016 when I found that shortly after leaving the office, she became a nurse. I used it as code with my sister, though later I also communicated it with my Bessie.

Another incident I forgot to mention for the year 2015 was when I helped her office, by her request, pen the Thought for the Month for the flag ceremony held every month. Bessie called it “dagdag pogi points” (added brownie points)

References (links):

After Goddess: this was where I narrated the immediate fallout of the Goddess’ departure

Throwback 2014 Chinito Problems: simply the song that I used as a “grand gesture” to Veronica

Goddess: The so-called Goddess era spanning 2011-2013 though somewhat extending to 2014

Betty Cooper: my search for the girl next door; also the story of proto-Betty

Love was just two doors series: The saga of proto-Betty (part 1 here)

Sunset Wishes: My imagined scene where I am at a sunset with Veronica; a dedication I made upon her departure

#WildFlower