Love was just two doors away… (part 4)

UPDATE: song removed because it was too creepy.

There are times when I wish the message gets through, that somehow she gets it, that somehow she knows.

Then I realize how harder it might be with her knowing.

At least, with her not knowing, I can start fresh.  I can surprise her.  I can maybe be the first to approach her.

I had this weird wish that somehow she knew, that she saw these posts, that she knew I liked her, and she was open to it.   But the only way I can tell her is if I told her.   I don’t know… whether I ask her close/best friend to do it, to give her what I need to say, or to sneak my way to giving it to her.   And there’s no guarantee that she would actually agree to make it a secret courtship.  What if she wanted to tell someone?

I’m just stalling, it’s true.   There are too many variables, too many things that could go wrong.   I know I’m uncomfortable whatever the situation, but I’m somehow looking for some sign that I’m in the right path.

She’s pretty, she’s charming.   Any man can easily fall for her.   Has someone already done so?

I like to think that it’s not about them, it’s not about me, it’s not even about what would happen next.   It’s just about the message.

I’ve fallen for her.   That’s it.   And I don’t know the point to all of it, if I needed to connect with her on a deep level, or just get to know her or just try our luck together–all I know is I’ve fallen for her.   And I need to get the message across without problems, without doubt.

I can’t and I won’t expect her to be different than what she is.   But I just wanted to say I’ve fallen and I need her.  To be with her.   I’m seriously fallen for her, and I shouldn’t care about other people but I’m so stupidly sensitive about it.

I’m so stupidly in love and I’m so stupidly confused with what to do.

I’m afraid.

That’s what this is.   If I give her that “package deal” envelope which has a collage of thoughts and feelings that a first-grader can make, what if she laughs?   What if she can’t take it seriously?   What if something changes, and being together becomes awkward?

If only things don’t change.   “I love you, but I’m still the same.”

It’s so stupid I’m writing this in a blog no one reads, instead of writing it in a letter she could see.

I don’t want to pour out my feelings on one go, because it makes things harder, too awkward, too flustered.   Maybe just bits and pieces of my heart.

What if the collage is too little?  What if it’s too much?

I don’t know.   It’s frustrating to know that I see her friend everyday but can’t find the courage to ask for help.   Would she be willing to help?  Would she instead ask me to do it myself?

I’m stalling.   I’m really planning on asking the close friend’s help… if she can help.

I need to get this message across.

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