Love is just two doors away (part 3)
The reality in the ground has changed. Again.
For me, any change is earthshaking. It forces a reevaluation of intentions, possibilities and meanings.
In practical terms, I still can’t execute my plans of making contact. Where doubts lingered as a cause of an action, new doubts now exist as a result of this new action.
And thankfully, this is a rarely-read blog. So I could vent as much as I can without anyone noticing.
She is just two doors away.
And I am just a heartfelt outburst away from mentioning her name here. I don’t know, she is so inspiring that when I see her, whenever I chance on her, she electrifies my very being. And I know I shouldn’t make her such a great object of attraction, but I can’t help it.
I want to give her a map, because she’s been circling in my mind for quite some time.
I just want to walk to the door into that other door and just tell her everything. Of course, that kind of outburst would both be shocking and detrimental to my cause.
I was thinking of saying different things altogether when I decided to write this third part. I was trying to be as ambiguous as possible. Then again, I am still ambiguous. No one suspects a thing. Then again, no one suspects a thing. Not even her. So how would she react when she catches me trying to sneak my way past telling her my feelings?
And how do I go about telling her that in the first place?
I’m out of options. At least, those that don’t involve a public profession of my heartfelt emotion.
I’m jittery because I saw her again. Reality in the ground changing.
What if she’s just treating this casually? What if I can’t convince her? What if, like everyone else in my life, this is not treated in the gravity that it should be treated?
Then again, should I be overthinking this? At the end of the day, why should she not treat me any other way?
Does she even know? It doesn’t make sense for her to have tacit knowledge. I keep everything close to the chest.
Plans, plans, plans. I had a plan; in fact I have a neat little envelope with her name in it tucked neatly in my bag. It’s been there a week. It’s a disorganized collage of my thoughts. That is, after all, how I feel about her. I’m disheveled and a mess, because I can’t keep a straight thought when she distracts me so much.
My plan involved her best/close friend. A week ago I would have slowly approached her, said “Hi” and “How is everything in your office? Where is _______? I haven’t seen her in a while. Say Hi for me.”
Simple. Of course, what if she suspects?
The other plan was to go straight ahead to that same friend and say, “Hi… blah blah blah… I need your help. Can you give this to your friend without showing anyone? Tell her…” Damn it, what do I say?
The best/close friend is the key. Has always been. The indirect link that does not alert anyone to anything.
That girl I like. I have an envelope with her name. In it is my heart.
Love is two doors away. And I’m dying to do something. I need to do something. I just don’t have the courage to say it. I’m afraid of what may possibly happen.
I’m a heartbeat away from telling her. Or at least show her (that envelope).