Love was just two doors away…

Though I can be good at sage advice, I don’t know how to follow them

In a previous post, I advised to not make the girl you like carry your emotional baggage.  It’s not good form.   Neither are you supposed to pin all your hopes and dreams on her, thinking she’s the answer to all your questions.   It’s not fair to the girl.

But though I can be good at sage advice, I don’t know how to follow them.   As I mentioned in that post, loneliness makes the heart despair, and in despair you will cling to whatever hope you can.

And so with this girl I like.   She wasn’t the love at first sight case.   She was the “there all along” girl that you don’t notice while you have ridiculous escapades with other women.   She felt “there all along” that I just didn’t take notice until she just hit me.   She just hit me.

But I hesitated.   I wasn’t sure how to approach her.   She possibly knew me quite well, as I had gained a reputation pining for one beautiful lady to another.   In fact, as far as she knew, I was asking her help to push me in the right direction with this girl from the bank.

So how was I going to tell her that I liked her?   That I somehow needed her?  What if she asked, “what about that girl you asked me about?  Was she someone you could easily forget?  Would you do the same thing to me?”

How serious were you?

What was I going to say to that?   To tell her that “it didn’t work out” would not be enough.   Why didn’t it work out?   If she had that problem, would it also not work out?

Add to that was the additional complication—challenge—I set for myself.   I was going to pursue her with as few people knowing as possible.   I’ve judged from experience that a public affair was not taken seriously.  Or else it’ll pose problems and pressure to the fledgling romance.   How was I going to sneak my way to her heart?

Then, another complication happened: she started—at least seemed to me—to avoid me, or at least had as few encounters with me as possible.   I had dragged on my plans for too long, I began to doubt my resolve, the situation.   Then that happened, and I was sure it felt like she wasn’t interested.

I felt resigned to inevitable failure.   But in between these fits of despair came lucid moments which gave me a sense of clarity.

Does she know?   Does she know how I felt for her?   Have I made my point across, or was it by chance and pure coincidence that she just didn’t encounter me?

How could she know?  I hadn’t said anything.   I wasn’t sure how I was going to say it.    And in the first place, I wanted to convince her that I was serious, that I wanted to make a connection.

It wasn’t how she should feel.   It was how I needed to tell her that “Hey, I like you, and I think I want to take a chance with you.”   I longed for a chance to tell her how I felt.

It wasn’t as if it was so hard to do.   Love was literally two doors away.   All I had to do was reach out and talk to her.  Somehow.   As subtly, as secretly as possible.

Crap.

What am I going to do?